This is a massive one and one I encountered regularly on my path. To give some personal context, I used to be abusively self-judgmental. The reigning power of the self-abusive dictatorship was well practiced and deeply engrained. I so often just couldn’t feel good enough no matter how hard I tried. My self-talk would on a regular basis rain destruction on my self-worth since I had become overly tuned to finding fault with myself, for not having done things differently and living with those resulting regrets. Regrets that kept me trapped in the mental prison of what we call the past, disconnecting me from the here and now. On top of that, I was highly introverted, socially awkward and struggled to fit in with others. I took this very personally. My conclusion was that I was a dysfunctional human and therefore simply not worthy of love and acceptance.
Art however was something I connected with a lot and was more natural at. I thought becoming a better artist would be a solution to my self-worth crisis. It was not. This same issue reflected though-out my entire life. Sure, I made progress because of how brutally hard I was on myself, but that also caused a lot of self-inflicted stress and trauma. I unfortunately just didn’t know another way…
Over time, the weight of living was becoming too much to bare and I eventually found my deepest rock bottom (in my late 20s). Everything positive I had acquired up until that point, lost all meaning. I was therefore presented with the definitive question. Do I want to continue? Despite everything I had been through, I knew that this life was capable of being a truly beautiful and magical experience and that I was meant for something greater. I also did not want to put my family and the few friends I did have through such a trauma from my own choice. This was the light that shone brightest in those darkest moments. Facing my shadow in those moments was a very terrifying experience but it had to be done. When that inner light finally ignited, it all became clear. I made the biggest choice of my life in that moment - to now commit absolutely to this human experience and to learn what that means. And so it was. My journey had finally begun and the clues forward began to present themselves.
Your self-worth is in fact NOT dependent on your career status, popularity, skills, etc. Over the years I have met a number of successful people, including artists (some much more successful than I) that were in ways still struggling with their self-worth. I used to think that I just needed to try harder and achieve more. This is simply a very misguided belief, and one easy to fall for. If that is the path you choose, know that there is no end to filling that black hole no matter how much greatness you acquire.
Relationships with others, whether it be with family, friends, business or romantic partners was another avenue that lead me to further answers. The conclusion gained in this area was that I had to learn how to build a better relationship with myself. This was not as simple as it sounded but I felt that this was one of the vital keys.
I spent approximately 10+ years exploring as much as I could about this from as many different teachings I could find, including countless conversations with others open enough to share. I would then practice and experiment as much as I could to see what worked and what did not.
All these years later I can now say that the tyrannical power that had so deeply embedded itself throughout my consciousness is no longer in control. I now stand in a much more centered position within myself from having implemented building a better relationship with myself from the inside out. The relationship you have with yourself is the real core that will determine your relationship with everything and everyone in your life. As a result of doing the inner work, the people, experiences and opportunities that will now become available to you are on an entirely different level to ever before. Regardless, you will still be met with challenges to poke at any potential weaknesses you may still be holding to spur on the next level of your journey.
There are so many highly important things to share, but to keep this very brief, the absolute most important foundations I have learnt are these two:
1) SELF-AWARENESS. This is your deepest foundation before stacking on any other self-development work. I thought I knew myself. Not so. The more I chose to explore why I was the way I was and why I wanted the things that I did, the more I realized that I was just unconsciously automated to how I already had been programmed since childhood. The more I explored my inner-self, the more my external reality was starting to make greater sense in terms of the partnered results from my general life choices. It’s from this point only that I was able to understand what needed the greatest attention in my decision making process. Without self-awareness, you will not be able to truly understand the direction your decision making is leading you towards and will be living blindly. Self-awareness truly is your foundation to seeing. Know Thyself.
2) SELF-TALK. This can either be your greatest ally or your biggest enemy. This is purely dependent on how it has been repeatedly practiced over your lifetime. This is most certainly what dictates your self-worth.
The first step is becoming aware of the nature of your self-talk, especially practicing self-awareness in difficult and triggering times. This is where you may start to have lightbulb moments - recognizing your self-talk as simply your programmed mind being activated. You may also notice that the things you say to yourself in these moments are the EXACT things you have repeated to yourself again and again over your lifetime. This is your programming, it is not reality.
From here, this is where the work begins of reprogramming your self-talk to those that stabilize and support you, either with how you view yourself, others or how you process challenges of every kind. The brain learns through repetition, so this must be practiced repeatedly and trained in beforehand. From here, when you are yet again faced with another challenge, you will now have access to new thought path-ways that will serve you.
One of my very first reprogrammed supportive self-talk (that I practiced daily) was a general “everything will be ok, you got this”. This certainly helped in many cases and still does to this day. Other challenges needed more specific perspectives which I went on to develop many of. As a result, how I talk to myself there days, and how I navigate through challenges is a world apart from what it used to be. It has been difficult and complex work to do, but it has been so profoundly worth it.
My self-talk is what I credit as being the defining factor of how I’ve gotten to where I have today and how its helped to open up the way forward especially in those moments where its needed most. Pushing my boundaries like I do, it’s a complete necessity.
I write this so that my words can inspire those that need it. There is always a way no matter what. May this be the lifetime you grow into your fullest self.