Friendships, Community & Solitude

What I’m going to share is my personal experience of such a journey in terms of bonding with others.

I grew up as being extremely shy, self-conscious and highly self-critical. I was very much a sensitive introvert and struggled with this for years. The positive side to it was that I could easily spend hours very regularly by myself just drawing away or playing video games. I will admit, I was jealous of those who just seemed to make friends easily, and could just comfortably be social in groups and public settings. For me it was much more difficult, if even possible. As a result, it lead me to believe that I was a dysfunctional misfit, not capable or worthy of forming bonds with others.

I went to an an art high school (The National School of the Arts in Johannesburg, South Africa) and during this period it was a bit easier to make a few art friends, despite my introverted nature. Outside of high school however, these friendships did not last.

Trying to figure out relationships during my younger years was another story entirely. The repeated cycles of dysfunction did however lead me to a breaking point. I eventually had no choice but to go on an in-depth journey to try figure it out and learn as much as I could. Realising I was not a victim and deciding to take responsibility for the life I was creating for myself was the first step. I had to recognise that I simply did not have the answers and it wasn’t about trying harder. I have learnt since that you attract those who reflect back to you the various angles of the relationship you have with yourself - very often it can be the parts of yourself you are not yet aware of. On that note, the relationship you have with yourself in terms of your own self-worth is a core defining factor towards the reality that makes up your life.

Self-development became a very strong theme for me since 2016. It’s something I hold extremely high value to. Doing shows and conventions was for many years in the beginning an uncomfortable social experience. I learnt to adapt however and became far more comfortable with it when dealing with a broad spectrum of people. Doing talks and live demonstrations in front of audiences (which I used to absolutely fear) was another thing I had to learn to become better at, and I did. Now I enjoy it when it happens. It’s at the point where I can find myself spontaneously having meaningful conversations with total strangers in public. Something I never imaged possible for me.

On such a journey I still never really fitted in well beyond general chit chat and was still trying to find “my people”. I thought I may find them in the spiritual community because of how central spirituality and self-growth became in my life. While I did meet some incredible people, this was a tiny minority within the vast majority of a community that I found surprisingly lacked self-awareness and was oversaturated with ego.

With the art community, I have very mixed thoughts. I assumed these were the people I’d connect with most deeply. This however has not exactly been the case. While I may connect on surface levels concerning creativity, the industry and just general politeness, the connection very rarely ever goes further. The artists I did manage to make more of a genuine and deeper connection with (those who I consider my friends) has only been a small handful. However, that alone is something I am very grateful for and those who I consider family.

The comic community, while it also includes a broad spectrum of people like any other, there are actually a lot of awesome, down to Earth people. Many of who I chat with at conventions or online whenever I’m able to. They are those who also show an incredible support to the art I create and thats some I’m only profoundly grateful for! Regardless, forming actual connected friendships has its own set of very particular requirements to be compatible on more of a personal/soul level.

Over the years, I have explored a range of different communities. There have been a number of things I have learnt in terms of human connectivity and how culture, upbringing and past experiences can define such a thing, both negatively and positively. I used to think I was the problem as to why I was unable to form friendships (despite overcoming my social struggles), but my conclusion is now quite different.

In my experience, there’s only a few kinds of people you can actually connect with beyond surface levels and self-serving agendas. While sharing things in common may help, the real determining factor is the compatibility between each others core natures and if you share certain life paths. At this level, it can be a very rare thing.

For me, it all emphasised developing a more harmonious and aware relationship with myself to make the very most of this profound gift of life. I discovered that physical fitness and health is the basis to your human experienced, partnered with a healthy, supportive and curious mind willing to learn new things. Developing new life perspectives and practices that serve to dissolve the cycles of self-induced suffering is an absolute necessity to master within this lifetime. This is the path towards more deeply connecting to true essence of the present moment and what it really is.

I have learnt that being on such a path of growth, doors open to new experiences and making new connections with others (seemingly out of the blue). What’s really at the heart of that (in my opinion), is that these new connections within yourself are the seeds that will eventually sprout into new forms of life that are outside of your usual cycles. Over the years it’s become more clear to me that our so-called “outer” reality is nothing more than a reflection of our inner reality.

Loneliness was a big one for me with the thoughts I used to entertain so frequently. I really believed that others would be the cure, that if I just found my people, or the right partner, that my life would finally be on track. Not so. I had to first recognise the real truth behind my strong desire to find connection with others. It took me awhile but I eventually I realised that it was coming from the connection I had lost with myself and not developed further. 

In closing, the relationship you build with yourself is the defining relationship that determines your relationship with everyone and everything in your reality. May that be the foundation to move your soul forward within this lifetime to discover what connection is all about.